Sunday, June 29, 2014

So, this guy ...

Please a wee bit a thought (an annotated message - caution, explicit language below.  All errors in punctuation, spelling, and grammar are the work of the original author)

Hi My name is [name redacted]. I have never contacted a woman under 40 something [fair enough].You are very funny in a very enjoyable way for me [thanks ...].I write well if you care to look at my profile.I can not spell shine ola [nope, you're right, that's not how you spell it].Even 5&6 letter words I have looked up countless times I am sometimes stumped [it is fair to note here that my original profile blurb said something about how much I care about correct spelling.  If you can't spell for shinola, well, that's why God created spell-check].I am old in years only [congratulations].My body compared to most men closer to your age is-well a mans body not soft like a womans body should(for love making that is) [I actually am not sure what this means.  I think what he's saying is that he's in good shape for an old dude, but maybe he's comparing himself to a woman?  Maybe he's trying to say that he's gone a bit soft, but forgot where he was going mid-sentence]Also a large number of male humans in thier 20s,30s,40s are boys [possibly].Except for thier profesion or job they no little about anything and do not understand good humor nor how to make love (not fuck) a

good woman [I'm not sure how one would make love a good woman, either.  I do know that my male friends my age tend to think I'm hilarious, so maybe that makes my humor bad?].  You choose "man for dating".I belive that if we were to befriend eachother on several elements (sp) [ah, irony] of interaction-we would in all likely hood give a try at making love [really?  You're not the first old guy to wishfully think so, I'll give you that].If you are a truly sensual woman I am confident we will enjoy as many pleasent hours as you care to devote to this most wonderful of human sharing [yes, and clearly if I don't respond, it's because I'm not truly sensual, thus giving you the convenient out of damning me as a frigid bitch].It is all about timeing physical affection! and a special kind of

communication we will discover togeather [tempting ...].If you know of what I speak, but have been unable to discover knowledgable men that [that what, exactly?], or men with some ability but are not enjoyable to be aroundPlease atleast speak with me [so you can rescue me from what is clearly a wasteland of sexually incompetent men]..If you are not fully aware of this "place" that truly good love making can take "us" -Then I sujest: if you feel sexy,horny,full of desire in your ownself , I am confident we can have a great time.It is even possable that the age diference could enhanse stimulation [... for you, no doubt]. Well thats my story and I'm stickin to it. I think a pleasent, no doubt funny but serious phone call might end with a plan to meet-no?

Why you ? I'm not sure.The idea struck me ,somehow you seemed just right.I would love to be with a younger woman [congratulations].In my late 20s I was with 2 diferent ladies in thier 50s [good for ... them? ...you?] One was a blind date that a former girlfriend set up with me and her mother [I flatter myself that I'm as accepting of sexual diversity as the next person, but ick].As it happend a very fun and sexy woman [again, congratulations, I guess]. [phone number redacted]

My very best regards [name redacted]

P.S. Sorry about the misspelling I just refuse to go to 
the dictionary 5 or 6 times in even a note as short as this [ignoring my specific mention of how much I care about spelling is an excellent way to show you care about what I have to say].xo [initial redacted]

Yep.  I wonder if he wonders why I never wrote back, or if he found some other nice young woman who was truly sensual and couldn't spell "shinola" either.

7 comments:

  1. Oh my God, this is so funny everyone has to see it! He's hilarious, but your comments are sooooo funny! Your humor is the best! Seriously more people have to see this. Submit this somewhere - PLEASE! I'll give you two dozen cookies if you submit this. Put a link on your facebook. PLEASE!! (That's a lot of begging, so you know I really mean it.) I want to take funny lessons from you.

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    Replies
    1. (My comment is almost as pathetically written as his. Sigh.)

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    2. Never! Probably not even if you tried.
      So ... are those spelt cookies?

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    3. If you want spelt, you get spelt.

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  2. Oh my god! This is hysterical. As I have commented before, I can totally hear your voice in my head when I read your posts, which makes them even funnier.

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  3. Hi Anna! This is Emma, from Life Drawing class. Lava shared your blog with me when I told her about how we talked in class about both taking her class (that was a mouth-full!)

    I was instantly intrigued by the title of your blog! How did you come to think of this name? Maybe you write about this in your profile, which I will look at soon.

    This post..."Oh no, oh my" is what I was thinking throughout most of it, both because 1) he seems to really like you and want a chance with you, and 2) your reactions are honest and humorous and I just found myself wishing he knew how much spelling meant to you (as well as a plethora of other things, like how sex is not something you necessarily have to bring up in a letter to someone you have never met, or at least I didn't think so...but maybe that's just me!) He seems nice...kind of? I just don't know. I am *sighing* for him, for the letter. He tried...?
    Your comments inserted into the letter just seem really you and real and funny and I am so happy I got to visit your blog. I think that it's great that you've continued it. I hope to continue mine too!
    Thanks Anna! <3

    Take care,
    Emma

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  4. I think I've seen this guy at the library... Keep your head held high for the sake of grammar and spelling, Anna-Monet. Your plight is not for naught.

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